In June 2019, our world was very unexpectedly shaken to the core when my husband - John - was diagnosed with Stage 4 colorectal cancer that had already spread to his liver. Very soon after, we began the rollercoaster ride of our lives as we learned to navigate the treatment journey through chemo. Early on in this journey our GP recommended we get in touch with St Rocco's to see what support they could offer. Now, whilst I have always been a strong supporter of the work St Rocco's do ...from a distance ... I very swiftly dismissed the idea of actually going there. After all, people only go there for end of life care don't they? It must be quite a depressing and sad place and to get in touch would be an admission that there was no hope and hope was what we were living on. What I didn't realise at that point was how misguided my beliefs were and it would take a further 12 months for me to come to that realisation – what a difference a year makes!

During the month of June 2020, a year after diagnosis, John was admitted to hospital twice and at the end of the first admission we were given the devastating news that he now had days, weeks if we were lucky, left to live. It was also at this point that we first had contact with St Rocco's in order to access the support of the community Macmillan team as part of a palliative care package. The team visited us at home, offered much needed advice around pain management and generally enabled us to feel better informed about how best we could sustain a good quality of life for John in the time he had left. John was determined to keep going – my birthday, father's day, our daughter's birthday, our wedding anniversary and our son's birthday were all in the next few weeks ahead and he wanted to be there for them all.

However, we knew we also had to be realistic and so we had the very difficult conversation about where John wished to spend the final days of his life. We decided that for the sake of our two children, St Rocco's would be the preferred choice. It was also during this time that we were introduced to the Counselling and Emotional Care Team, something I was hugely relieved about as John, understandably, was having a very difficult time coming to terms with the whole situation. He was 48 and simply not ready to die.

John's third stay in hospital, at the start of July, was to be his last. We knew that the hospital was certainly not the right environment for us to spend John's final hours and by now, having resisted having anything to do with St Rocco's before, I was literally praying that a bed would become available. What a difference a year makes!

Light, spacious, welcoming environment

By the Wednesday my prayer had been answered and John was transferred to end of life care. Exhausted and emotionally spent, I was now ready to see whatever St Rocco's had available to offer. What I certainly wasn't prepared for was the light, spacious, welcoming environment with an overriding atmosphere of calm, order and gentleness that I stepped into.

By the time I arrived at the hospice, John had been settled and made comfortable following his transfer from hospital and I was immediately offered the opportunity to meet with one of the doctors to discuss John's needs and wishes. For the first time in days, I felt like I was heard, that John's wishes would be accommodated and that John would be cared for in a manner befitting all that he deserved. Despite the ever-looming presence of Covid-19, the staff team were sensitive to our needs as a family and quickly made it possible for my children to visit and say their final goodbyes to their beloved dad.

The children were met at the door and practicalities explained to them in a gentle way, which helped them to function in this most challenging of circumstances. They weren't rushed and we were given privacy to say and do all that we wished to. The staff also made it possible for other members of the family to pay a visit to the outside window, the absolute best they could do under the strict Covid-19 rules. Again this was all carried out in a caring and thoughtful manner, which meant such a lot to us all in our time of grief.

John surpassed all expectations and continued his fight for life for the next few days. During this time, I watched as the staff treated him with great dignity and respect, seeing to his every need and talking to him gently, yet at the same time remaining unobtrusive, giving us our space, time and support as and when we needed it.

I recall one particular occasion when there was a knock on the door and a tray of food was delivered. I explained that John was nil by mouth (as if they didn't already know!), only to discover that the food had been ordered for me. Someone had noticed that I hadn't eaten since arriving a few days earlier and wanted to encourage me gently, without making a fuss, to look after myself. I was deeply touched.

It was also during these few days that I met Joe for the first time 'mask to mask'. He came to introduce himself and to re-assure me that he would be available to offer support in the weeks to come. He threw me a lifeline, hope, in what was the worst experience of my life and for that I will always be grateful.

Amazing human beings

The staff team at St Rocco's is made up of amazing human beings. The medical side of the care is first rate, the overall prac- tice is excellent and they are all wholeheartedly dedicated to this very specialist role. There were so many moments like the one I have already recalled when the staff went out of their way just to do something simple that had a great and lasting impact. One staff member brought a stone from the chapel/quiet room for my sister-in-law that simply said 'courage' and later she brought fresh flowers from her garden to brighten up the room. Then there was the person who arrived with a pillow for my exhausted father-in-law so that he could rest his head, the staff who provided endless cups of tea and food to keep us going and the very perceptive nurse who in the traumatic last few hours, held my hand and walked me round the building before gently returning me to the room and without saying a word, placed my hand back in John's. They knew just what was needed and when, and regardless of the role they played, everyone I met was calm, re-assuring and supportive. They had time for us, as if we were the only family in the hospice. It is only now, as I look back, that I realise how additionally difficult it must have been to provide that level of care when working within the Covid-19 guidelines.

In the time immediately after John's death that Sunday morning, the support from the team continued. By now I was in a daze and only marginally functioning. They sensitively took me through the necessary arrangements and helped me to make sense of those first few moments of my new existence– again something I remain hugely appreciative of to this day, especially when I hear of other people's experiences elsewhere during Covid-19 being considerably different.

However, that wasn't the end of my relationship with the St Rocco's team. A few months after John had passed away, when the initial shock had subsided and my brain was ready to begin processing all that had happened, I began counselling with Joe. Due to the ongoing restrictions, this is something that has been done by phone and whilst I had some initial reservations around the potential value of this, those concerns were quickly dismissed and replaced with great appreciation that I have the opportunity to regularly talk about the busy life inside my head, the varying emotions that this journey entails and to know that someone is there, being an advocate, just for me. 

Eight months have passed since John died and I am sharing our story so that you can see how big an impact the St Rocco's team have had on my family in the critical stages of our journey with and beyond cancer. Having been a St Rocco's supporter from a distance, I am now a St Rocco's supporter from experience and I want to do what I can to make sure others, who find themselves in my position, can reach out and take hold of the support that is on offer. It may have taken me a year to ap- preciate the difference St Rocco's can make but the team at St Rocco's are making a difference in the lives of  families like ours. every day.

Thank you St Rocco's!